Over all, it is pretty good. However, there are some mistakes. First, there are a lot of puncuation errors. Here are a few:
1. “Yes”, I said having a flashback of last night.
The comma should be after the ’s’ and before the ”. Those are most of your mistakes.
2. For something like this sentance:
” Are you okay sweetie?”, asked Esme. To fix this, you would get rid of the comma completely. Also, instead of saying asked Esme, you should say Esme asked me, so it would be a sentance.
3. In the first paragraph when you say:
…beautiful pink, white, and rose petals were scattered all over the room, it should be:
…beautiful pink and white rose petals were scattered all over the room.
4. When you say:
than he kissed me more, more harder that it crushed my lips really hard. It should be:
Then he kissed me so hard (more harder doesn’t work) that it crused my lips.
There are more but I think you get the point.
When Bella is flipping out on Jacob, he talks in that same paragraph. His words are supposed to be in a completely different paragraph, same as when Bella talks when she is buying the pregnacy test. When Bella tells Jacob that she loves him like a brother, that is not true anymore because if you read Eclipse, you find out that she really loves him passionately. I don’t think that you should include the part with AIM. They never talked about that ever before. When you say that the boys will be gone for a week or three, it should be anywhere from a week to three or a week or two. Also Jacob isn’t really acting like he would be in the book. He wouldn’t give up that easily on Bella. This is random but Edward’s plaid boxers that are navy blue have to be another color too so they can really be plaid.
As for your next chapter, I would do something totally unexpected but still very good and along the story line.
I hope I wasn’t too hard on you, and if you did like what I said you can add me or something so I can help you with your future chapters. Good luck!
I think it’s a bit confusing. Bella is a bit out of character. Wouldn’t she be a bit reluctant to have sex with Edward, when she was raped by Jacob a couple of days before? And, Jacob isn’t that aggressive. Edward, again out of character, doesn’t act like that. He’s a bit more protective, and wouldn’t he figure out something was wrong with Bella? And, Edward can’t be the father….he can’t really father kids, since he turned into a vampire. Stephenie Meyer explained that in one of her interviews, I think on her site maybe.
I have to agree with Jazzman. This is quite honestly one of the worst things I have ever had the displeasure of reading. For all those reasons listed above. You don’t even attempt at mimicking Meyer’s poor writing style. Hers, while pretty lame, is still better than yours. You also shouldn’t use vernacular like “do it”. It makes Bella sound even dumber than she really is. She can’t even say sex in her own inner dialogue? That’s pathetic. Again, I agree with Jazzman. He is completely correct. This is pretty bad, and I don’t want to keep reading for fear that my eyes will start bleeding.
Again, writing just isn’t your thing.
Aside from the fact that this story is so ridiculous it makes me gag, you…
1. change tenses like 30 times in this short section
2. misspell words
3. have no emotion when you speak, the whole scene with Bella reflecting upon the “rape” –that sould be filled with emotion, but i found it (like the rest of the story) boring.
4. characters are just not believable
5. dialogue is choppy and uninteresting.
6. it’s raping not “rapping”… Unless Jacob Black is throwing down some fat beats, which, considering how stupid the rest of the story is, i suppose he could be.
7. stop making up words.
8. the part in the drug store should be tense, and again, because of how you just rush through it, it’s boring.
Simply put, this is just not very good. I don’t even care what happens next. Sorry, but you asked if I liked it, and I’m just being brutally honest.
Over all, it is pretty good. However, there are some mistakes. First, there are a lot of puncuation errors. Here are a few:
1. “Yes”, I said having a flashback of last night.
The comma should be after the ’s’ and before the ”. Those are most of your mistakes.
2. For something like this sentance:
” Are you okay sweetie?”, asked Esme. To fix this, you would get rid of the comma completely. Also, instead of saying asked Esme, you should say Esme asked me, so it would be a sentance.
3. In the first paragraph when you say:
…beautiful pink, white, and rose petals were scattered all over the room, it should be:
…beautiful pink and white rose petals were scattered all over the room.
4. When you say:
than he kissed me more, more harder that it crushed my lips really hard. It should be:
Then he kissed me so hard (more harder doesn’t work) that it crused my lips.
There are more but I think you get the point.
When Bella is flipping out on Jacob, he talks in that same paragraph. His words are supposed to be in a completely different paragraph, same as when Bella talks when she is buying the pregnacy test. When Bella tells Jacob that she loves him like a brother, that is not true anymore because if you read Eclipse, you find out that she really loves him passionately. I don’t think that you should include the part with AIM. They never talked about that ever before. When you say that the boys will be gone for a week or three, it should be anywhere from a week to three or a week or two. Also Jacob isn’t really acting like he would be in the book. He wouldn’t give up that easily on Bella. This is random but Edward’s plaid boxers that are navy blue have to be another color too so they can really be plaid.
As for your next chapter, I would do something totally unexpected but still very good and along the story line.
I hope I wasn’t too hard on you, and if you did like what I said you can add me or something so I can help you with your future chapters. Good luck!
I think it’s a bit confusing. Bella is a bit out of character. Wouldn’t she be a bit reluctant to have sex with Edward, when she was raped by Jacob a couple of days before? And, Jacob isn’t that aggressive. Edward, again out of character, doesn’t act like that. He’s a bit more protective, and wouldn’t he figure out something was wrong with Bella? And, Edward can’t be the father….he can’t really father kids, since he turned into a vampire. Stephenie Meyer explained that in one of her interviews, I think on her site maybe.
I have to agree with Jazzman. This is quite honestly one of the worst things I have ever had the displeasure of reading. For all those reasons listed above. You don’t even attempt at mimicking Meyer’s poor writing style. Hers, while pretty lame, is still better than yours. You also shouldn’t use vernacular like “do it”. It makes Bella sound even dumber than she really is. She can’t even say sex in her own inner dialogue? That’s pathetic. Again, I agree with Jazzman. He is completely correct. This is pretty bad, and I don’t want to keep reading for fear that my eyes will start bleeding.
Again, writing just isn’t your thing.
Aside from the fact that this story is so ridiculous it makes me gag, you…
1. change tenses like 30 times in this short section
2. misspell words
3. have no emotion when you speak, the whole scene with Bella reflecting upon the “rape” –that sould be filled with emotion, but i found it (like the rest of the story) boring.
4. characters are just not believable
5. dialogue is choppy and uninteresting.
6. it’s raping not “rapping”… Unless Jacob Black is throwing down some fat beats, which, considering how stupid the rest of the story is, i suppose he could be.
7. stop making up words.
8. the part in the drug store should be tense, and again, because of how you just rush through it, it’s boring.
Simply put, this is just not very good. I don’t even care what happens next. Sorry, but you asked if I liked it, and I’m just being brutally honest.